The Unavailable Man : 5 Men You Don't Want to Date

"We've all experienced meeting a great guy, soon to find out he is UNAVAILABLE! Stay on guard for these 5 guys to prevent unnecessary heartache."

Single, Celibate, & Frustrated : 7 Ways to Deal with the NO SEX LIFE

So let's be honest. No matter how sanctified or "saved" you are, it is natural for you to desire to mate with another partner. No one wants to discuss it because we try to put on the purified white coat as if it is never on our minds. As if we don't see it everywhere on TV. As if we never crave for it. Well, I am a realist, and I completely understand there are times that you are frustrated and unsure how to deal with the frustrations of being celibate. It can be really hard sometimes. You find yourself getting upset at God and wondering if you will ever truly have a hold over this desire. Well the truth is, the desire will always be there. But just like any other craving, you have to learn how to control it as well as how to deal with it when your flesh tries to override what your spirit is telling you. Trust me I understand. I am celibate as well and there are many times I look up to God and think to myself,  "God, I am going to attack the first thing I see if you don't help me." LOL! But seriously, you are not the only one that deals with these frustrations. Here are some tips on how to deal with the cravings when they come up.

1. DO NOT contact a past partner. I know in your mind you just want to get a release. Don't do it. You will regret it in so many ways the next day. You will be upset you dissapointed God. You will be upset you went back to someone who isn't worth your time. Delete anyone's number who will allow you to fall into sin so it won't even be there as a temptation when frustration arises.

2. DO NOT condone in "self-pleasure." I know this is a taboo subject. Noone wants to discuss it, but reality is, it's happening in the real world. I know sometimes people think it's fine but in reality it only makes it more frustrating on yourself and it is a sin. Why? Because you have to think of lustful thoughts to be able to do it and a ton of other reasons that I discuss in my book  Not Tonight.  Usually when we condone in self-pleasure, it only makes us crave it more and want to do the actual act we are trying to avoid. Don't play yourself. Regardless of what others may tell you, know that it is wrong.

3. DO NOT try to play the game of "foreplay" and convince yourself , "I'm not really having sex." Once again, this is a sin. Your body does not belong to you, it is Gods. Any type of sexual act outside of marriage is wrong.

4. DO NOT convince yourself that it is okay to do it this "one" time. After you go back to it once, you will want to do it again and again. Don't let the enemy trick you with his lies. Don't get trapped back into this cycle of sin.

5. DO distract yourself. Many times when I get to this place I find something to distract my mind. Many temptations all begin from a thought. If you can distract your mind, you will find yourself completely forgetting about your frustrations. Whether its going to workout, or playing Tetris (What I have been doing lately lol), make sure you have a hobby to get your mind focused on something else.

6. DO read your Word. Find something to read! ANYTHING! Just open up your Bible or Bible App and just read the first thing you see. The more you read it the more you will be reminded of God's Word, Promises, and Convictions. Sometimes we need a refresher to remind us of why we are on this walk of purity.

7. Do PRAY PRAY PRAY! Lately I have been reading Psalms for our 21 Day Fast. Something I love about Psalms is the way David cries out to God. He cries for help. He cries for God to be His refuge. He cries for God to save Him from this world of sin. You can do the same thing! God is amazing. He knows exactly what we are going through and He loves us and wants to answer our every need. Everytime I have prayed to God. EVERYTIME! He has come through. Just call on Him. He will do whatever it takes to help you live a righteous life.

Okay, so I hope these tips help you! I know there are many of us that deal with this from time to time so email me, or comment, your suggestions!

What are some things you do to deal with sexual frustrations?

If you need more help dealing with sexual temptation get my book :

Not Tonight : My Worth Is Far Above Rubies

Biblical Insight on How to Remain Abstinent in a Sexually Charged World!

CLICK HERE TO PURCHASE

Available on Amazon.com, Barnes&Noble.com, Itunes/Ibooks, and BAM.com.

Email me at chlomgooden@yahoo.com!
www.chloemgooden.com 

Photo by Sarah Scicluna via Flickr Creative Commons

Taken on December 24th, 2008

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How to NOT become the New Age "Side-Chick" : In response to Blog Post "New Side Chick: I Was Her"

WOW. So if you haven't read it yet, there is a new blog post out by Miss T.N King called "New Side Chick: I Was Her." If you haven't read it here is the link: http://misstnking.com/2014/12/29/the-new-side-chick-i-was-her/. It is PROFOUND. (Read it first before reading this article.)  I read this article and was amazed at how much this hit home for me and at the end,honestly, I was somewhat angry. Why? Because WOW! I have been the New Age Side Chick several times! I believe that is why so many of us loved it, because we all have been there and didn't even realize it. We all have been the "bestfriend", "homegirl", their "ace", but not his WOMAN. As I kept reading it, and talked about it with several friends, I kept thinking to myself, "God will women ever catch a break!? Why do we always get caught up in these situationships? Why can't we just receive what we truly desire and not get played.?" Questions and more questions kept pondering through my mind, and ultimately I realized it really was bitterness. We all have been here, and all you can do now is figure out what NOT to do when it comes to male friends so you won't become the new age "Side-Chick." Like Ms. King put so well, "We are Queens", but somehow we keep getting in situations where we are getting treated like peasants. What are we doing wrong? Well I thought of SEVERAL mistakes I made with multiple guys I have been friends with before. I have had many "Jakes" in my life, and honestly, I wish I could go back and change it. But we have to forgive ourselves and move on. Learn from our mistakes and keep moving forward. So what do we need to do to stop becoming the "homegirls", the "bestfriend", the new age "Side-Chick?" Well here it goes...........

1. Believe What He Says
           - Too many times men tell us from the jump that they do not want a relationship and not looking for a relationship anytime soon. But with our hopeful hearts, and the many Tyler Perry movies and fairytales, we want the happy ending. We think the guy may change his mind one day and finally see the beautiful woman beside him and see our worth. No Mam! If he said he doesn't want a relationship then that's it! As Ms. King eloquently said, " I wish I knew then what I know now:  A man who really wants to be with you will find every reason to be with you.  A man who does not want to be with you will find every excuse why he can’t be with you."

2. Stop Being Men's Mothers and "Want to be Wives"
          - We as women are naturally loving and it is so easy for us to want to take care of someone. We want to be there for their every need. We want to cook for them. We want to clean up and fold their clothes. We want to pamper them. STOP. This treatment should be for your spouse and only your spouse, not some guy who has not given you any type of commitment. That treatment should be earned, not given just because he is around. I know it's easy to fall into it, I'VE done it! But we wonder why we get so hurt when a guy walks out of our lives and it's because we have given them everything and have gotten nothing in return in the end. One thing you have to remember about men, they have been treated this way from a woman all their lives; their mother. Therefore, this treatment is natural to them and they will easily receive it. Don't be so quick to give up the goods, and I don't mean just your body, I mean your time, care, love, and affection.

3. Stop Waiting
          - Oh the good ole waiting game. Once again, we want to have the fairytale endings we see on tv. If a man says he isn't ready , or if this man is not available emotionally, then let him be that and you continue to move forward. Don't miss out on what God may have for you pining over a man that could not even be the one. Sometimes we get stuck on men. We get in our minds "Oh, but I want and love him. I will never find a man like him. He is the one." Well darling if he is the one, he will commit to you and take you as his own. He will come chasing after YOU. You won't have to do anything special, or as Ms.King put it, "...audition for your part."

4. Create Boundaries and Stick to Them
         - It is inevitable that you will find a male friend in your life. The key is to keep it on that level and not try to make it more than it needs to be, unless he has expressed he wants more, is ready for a commitment, and you feel the same. But if this is never said, you need to keep him in the "friend zone" just like he has you. Don't do anything for this man that you wouldn't do for a female friend. If you are ever wondering if you are doing too much , ask yourself, "Would I do this for my female friends, or am I doing this because I am really hoping to gain more from this man?"

I am sure many that read that article have MANY emotions about what was said. What did you think of the article? How did it hit home for you? Have you ever been the "New Side Chick" and didnt realize it? 

  Would love to hear from you!

God Bless and Know Your Worth!

www.chloemgooden.com  
chloemgooden@yahoo.com

Photo taken by : Ashleigh W 

Black African American Couple

taken November 8th, 2013

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